Things you learn during a power outage

The ever crucial O&R outage map

This past weekend brought a few surprises...including an early snow storm (I've seriously never seen any snow before Halloween, let alone 4-6 inches) and an unexpected power outage. On Saturday afternoon, as I was getting ready to settle in the den to watch a movie and contemplating when the best time to build a fire might be, my roommates and I watched a large branch from  the tree in our front yard crash onto the power lines, effectively demolishing our power, as well as the power for the entire block. 

Power has yet to be restored, but life must continue- I still have work and school each day. So...here's what I've learned so far:

• Scented candles are lovely. But when you light 10 different smells at once because you are trying to see in the dark, it makes the house smell like some strange cross between a flower shop and bakery and causes asthma attacks. Giant packs of unscented votives and white candles in jars are brilliant during a power outage, and are cheaper to boot.
• Candle lit dinners with an intelligent and interesting man while we eat gourmet food- romantic. Candle lit homework, dishes, showers, cleaning, and cooking? Not romantic.
• Be grateful for the little things. Like hot water, a fireplace, and a working stovetop. Or an office that is well lit and warm. Or friends who let you crash at their place for awhile and hangout. Or a job. Or the promise the electric will be restored and the momentary inconveniences will fade away. When I focus on those things, I realize that a. they are not little things and b. that what I am dealing with right now is just not important. 
• Simpler is better. If I can cook a decent meal in one pan with four ingredients, maybe that's a better plan. Streamlining my schedule and dividing up work efficiently is easier than stopping and starting. 
•  Resources are limited. That does not mean God cannot provide. But it means I need to do a better job of respecting and utilizing what He has given me. It means I will waste less, save more, and be a better steward. 
• It's okay for me to be in the situation and not be thrilled with it, but I still need to have enough of a sense of humor to realize eventually, this will be funny. It's not okay that I wake up coughing because its so cold in my house, and that I had to wait to use my nebulizer until I got to a place that had electricity. But it's funny to watch my housemate roast quiche leftovers in foil on an open fire. Or to wash dishes by candlelight. Or to drink melted rocky road ice cream. Those moments make me laugh, and will be fun to remember later on, when the tree falling is just a memory and I am not lighting candles to get ready for work in the morning. 

Ways I never expected technology to enter my life

I've never been really obsessed with technology. I had a blackberry when I interned because it seemed like a necessity. When it started to take over my life (and kill my bank account), I ditched it for my then roommate's old flip phone. Growing up, we didn't have a computer until I was a sophomore in high school. I would type my papers in the computer lab at school or at my neighbor's house. I have DVR for the first time in my adult life (and cable...and tv in multiple rooms) because its part of our cable/ internet package. I haven't used the DVR feature yet except to program Modern Family for one of my roommates, and she had to shout step by step instructions from the kitchen. 

But technology is a part of my life. I have a blog. And twitter. And a cellphone that I picked out just because it would make it easier to send text messages. Even with that said, it still surprises me the way technology intersects with my life. 

So here is my list of unexpected ways technology has entered my life:

• I email my doctors. The first time I received an email from one of my physicians, it kind of weirded me out. But now I use email to communicate with my primary care doctor, and my allergist (who manages my asthma). Its effective, its quick, and this past week, it actually kept me healthy because it enabled me to communicate faster. 
• My office communicates by text message. When I am going to be late, or call out sick, I send a text message to my boss and the members of my department.
• I can order my dinner online. I eat out much less these days (mainly because I am still figuring out how to order and eat out with dietary limitations), but in the past I have definitely ordered and paid for pizza online. It still kind of weirds me out. 
• My cellphone is my new wallet. Want to see the latest pictures of my godson and goddaughter, or my nephew? They are in my cellphone. Don't get me wrong, I still have a few school shots tucked into my wallet, but I usually pull out my cellphone when I want to show off my family. 
• I don't always have face to face conversations with my roommates when we are in the house. I still shake my head at this one, but I've definitely initiated communication this way, so I can't judge. It just makes me laugh when I receive a text message from someone upstairs. And last night, it WAS the easiest way to announce that the washer was free. (Go ahead...I know some of you are judging me.)
• My community is global. I have friends that I regularly communicate with that live all over the country, and in other parts of the world. That still seems crazy to me.

Technology changes things in strange, unexpected, and really cool ways. But I still like face to face conversations, ordering a pizza in person, and hanging photographs of my loved ones on my wall. 

Randomness organized in threes

Three Books I am currently reading: 

1. The Inner Circle by Brad Metzler - This is my fun read...which pretty much means I read about two pages each night before falling asleep. 

 2. Listening to God: Spiritual Formation in Congregations by John Ackerman- This one's for school. A surprisingly good read for pastors and laymen. (Clearly, I was not expecting to like this book). 

3. Mark: Texts @ Contexts- Again, for school. A collection of articles based on the Gospel of Mark. Interesting, academically challenging, and intellectually challenging. Am I okay with my God box being busted with some of these? 

Three Things I am thankful for: 

1. Pumpkin spice things. Especially pumpkin spice coffee things. But baked goods also rank. 

2. Late night conversations in the kitchen. They happen often, frequently in conjunction with a need to clean up the kitchen after dinner...or because we decide that its important to make bananas foster at 11:30 at night. 

3. God's crazy pursuit of me...even when I am resistant. 

Three Random thoughts that have crossed my mind in the last three hours: 

1. "How is it only 11:00am?"

2. "Those kids swear more than any adult I know" (referring to the middle schoolers who are on the playground right outside my window at work). 

3. "What am I going to do about eating today?" 

Top Three Most Played Songs Recently:

1. "Words" by Train

2. "Taking Chances" by Celine Dion

3. "Marry Me" by Train

Three Things I am looking forward to:

1. Sleeping in on Saturday

2. Going to Maryland for Thanksgiving

3. Finishing my Master's Degree

Three Words/Phrases that have creeped into my vocabulary recently: 

1. Fail.

2. Trippy.

3. So what does that mean? (Me to God. Often.)

Real life.

I wonder what parts of my life I have missed completely by not being fully present. I know, strange thought, but for me, accurate. Being introverted and someone with a high need for security, I have lived alot in my own head, processing the world and planning for the next moment, or more often, for the next disaster. The problem with that, as good as it might sound, is that I am never fully in a moment.

Think about it: if you are always planning what you are going to say next, you are not fully listening to the person speaking. If you are always gauging your response by other peoples emotions, you are never fully embracing your own. If you are always moving on to what's next, you never pause to recognize what you've accomplished or what it means in your life or the lives of others. If you never stop to acknowledge the hurt and deal with the pain, you never heal. I am guilty of all of the above.

But I'm changing. It's not always pretty, but I feel more. I listen more. I spend a little less time in my head, and a little more time in real life.

Parts of my real life hurt like crazy. I have a chronic illness, asthma, which has gone from moderately annoying to regularly life-threatening. It causes me physical pain, exhaustion, stress, and interupts my life at what tends to be the worst possible moments. Its also incredibly expensive and time intensive to deal with.

I live in a transient community. Working for and living close to a college is amazing, but it means that I have to say goodbye ALOT. I don't want to hole myself off and stop interacting with people, but it hurts to constantly be saying goodbye to people that matter to me.

But parts of my real life are also amazing and give me great joy. I love theology and art, and at times, mixing the two, and I've started to embrace that in my life. It gives me an incredible chance to connect with my friends in a different way as they see what I am passionate about and we exchange ideas, and it gives me to chance to see what they are passionate about.

I am surrounded by people who care about me, and people who choose to be a part of my life even though it is clear I don't have it altogether. They are there when life completely sucks, and they celebrate with me when its really really good. Sometimes, they see who I am and what God is doing in my life when I don't, and they hold me up when its clear I cannot stand on my own. Thier presence in my life brings me alot of joy.

I want to experiance ALL of my life. The parts that hurt and the parts that make me jump up and down with joy. I want to be present in a moment, good or bad. It means choices. Occasionally, I'll make bad ones. But ultimately, I choose real life.

It started with a question...

...and is culminating in a blog post. So, yesterday, I was posed the question, "What does your support system look like?" Honestly, for about 100 reasons, I have no clue what I answered. But the question has stayed on my mind, and here's what I've come up with:

-It's bigger than I expected. My support system- friends, family, and people who practically are family- is actually pretty big. When I moved, I had a ton of help at every turn.

-My support system is generous. Not just financially, but with thier time, talents, and affection. In two years, I have been in the emergency room and doctors office more times than I can count- and when it really matters, I always have someone with me. I have also had my refrigerator and freezer filled, my car serviced, my laundry washed, and my house cleaned by the people who care about me.

-They ask good questions and give wise counsel. "Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice." Proverbs 27:9. Although not every conversation feels great, I have friends that are honest, prayerful, and wise. They confront me when necessary, and they show me more grace than I deserve. Indeed, I receive much heartfelt advice.

The results of this in my life? Well...

-I don't ever wonder if I will go without. I can ask if I need something. And much to my shock, I actually do.

-It's helping me heal. I'm safe. I may not always feel it in a particular moment, but I have people who love me and care for me and cheer for me and yell at me. Because of that, I am much more willing to risk vulnerability.

-I am learning about God's love.

getting over my perfection complex

I moved last week. I promise to put up a picture or two of the amazing house I now live in, but for now, I am going to share a few realizations I have come to in the transition process.

This whole moving thing really poked my perfection complex in a good, though somewhat painful way. As someone who is constantly assuming I can do everything for myself, I was stunned to be in a position where I really desperately needed other people to make things work. Though my breathing is tons better, I still have little to no stamina. So carrying all my boxes, heavy lifting, and a ton of cleaning were totally out. But I still needed all those things to happen.

Enter all the amazing people in my life. Seriously. I have never, ever felt more loved than I felt last Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. It was incredible, really.

But here's a little secret. And, I guess, what makes me feel even more loved. I wasn't finished packing. Seriously, not even close. Nor did I have any plan for getting all the stuff I had (how on earth did ALL that stuff fit in my tiny little apartment?!) from point A to point B. I was so far from organized it wasn't funny. And you know what people said to me? "Its okay, we'll help."

My organized, in control, take charge facade had crumbed beneath the weight of the task and the emotions overwhelming me. No one walked away in disgust or became angry with me. Every box got packed, every item moved, and every critical decision was made. At one point, I put a friend in charge of assigning jobs to people so it was a few less decisions I had to make. It was the first time in my life I had ever really delegated...and the world did not end!

I am still working on unpacking (I've decided the unpacking is worse than the moving). And this weekend I am having my friend J's family over for dinner. I seriously thought about pushing everything aside and working non-stop on unpacking so my house would be in order on Sunday when they came. But then I had an aha moment and realized how stupid that sounded. And how stressful it would be to try and accomplish.

I am going to unpack some over the next couple of days. I will attempt to at least organize the unpacking chaos, but there will be unpacked boxes in my house on Sunday...probably quite a few. And I've decided that's okay. I think my guests are coming to hang out and have dinner...not admire my ability to be superwoman and unpack my ridiculous number of possessions in a week. ;)

In the words of a song I listened to alot as a teenager (and just now have come to believe):
"But I'm not perfect, not put together/And sometimes I'm lonely, But it's only real life/Here I stand cast your stones, If you mock me/I know that it's only,that you're scared of real life." Church of Rhythm

I'm going to be me. Its going to be messy. And that's okay.

April, May, June updates.

This could get really long really fast, so I am going to hit the highs and lows.

The Highs

• Finishing my final spring semester in seminary.
• Winnning free tickets to meet Train and see them at a private concert. (Did I care that I had something like 20 pages of papers due that week? NO! I got to meet Train and be front row at the concert.)



Me and Train

•  Slowing life down long enough to receive love.
• A Saturday afternoon in Tarrytown exploring Sunnyside capped by lunch at Silver Tips and movies in the evening with J & L.
• Finding a new (and much larger, and cheaper) place to live.
• Learning and absorbing new truths about myself and God at the speed of sound (or so it feels).
• Seeing God provide over and over and over.

The Lows

• Getting incredibly, life threateningly ill...and finding out it will take me until at least the end of August to recover fully.
• Having to pack to move. (I hate that process.)
• Weekly doctor's appointments.
• Large amounts of change all at one time.

Its been a crazy period of time. And slowly, I'll have to catch you all up. But that will happen at a later date.

Tonight, I move. I'm excited and exhausted by the thought. I'll see about getting some picks of the chaos and posting them.

My list

I am incredibly overdue for an update. I am sorry. There has been alot happening since April, and really, keeping family and close friends in the loop has felt impossible at times, let alone blogging. So... I will try to get an update up in the next two weeks.

In the meantime... I have been going through a period of ridculous growth and change personally/spiritually/emotionally. Admittedly, sometimes its a two steps forward, three massive steps back kind of process, but that doesn't mean there isn't progress. Amidst this myraid of change, I realized that I need to remind myself of a few things. So in my journal one evening, I wrote a list of 15 things I needed to remember every single day.

Please note as you read my list, that, well, its not YOUR list. These are not things I am reminding you of, they are for me. They are not meant to be adopted by the general public. But it may be helpful to create your own list. What things do you need to be reminded of as you live life daily to be a healthier, more whole person? Where is God at work? What do friends tell you all the time...enough you should probably start reminding yourself and take the pressure off them? Start there and make you own list.

Without further adieu...my list:

1. You have permission to say no.

2. There will always be more things on my to do list than you have energy for. Prioritize, do what you can, and be prepared to get very little done sometimes.

3. You will fail. Get over it.

4. It's okay to walk away for a minute.

5. Use  your words. People can't read my mind and its not kind to always make them depend on your body language and facial expressions.

6. You become a jerk when you're tired. Get enough sleep, or make sure you can leave a situation before you become a jerk.

7. If you need something, ask. The worst they can say is no. (And they are allowed to use that word too.)

8. Eat every couple of hours. You think clearer...and this also helps keep you from becoming a jerk.

9. People you trust will hurt you. It doesn't mean they don't love you and it doesn't mean they aren't worth it.

10. If you think you need medicine (ibprophen, asthma meds, cold medicine), take it. You probably needed it three hours ago.

11. People don't like someone who is perfect, they like someone who is flawed like they are. Messed up is okay and you don't have to work so hard to hide it.

12. It's not always about you.

13. You can't change you. Only God can change you, and only if you let Him.

14. One thing at a time. Seriously, you are not superwoman.

15. People love you. You don't have to prove you are worth loving.

Out like a lamb?

It's incredibly hard to believe its the last day of March. To me this means:
-4 weeks left to the semester
-A few days of increased busyness at the office
-The beginning of spring (although they seem to be calling for snow tonight...)
-Some incredibly busy weeks ahead

Although this has been a challenging semester with a fairly high workload, its been my most enjoyable to date. After 6 years of seminary, I have come to terms with the fact that:
1. I deeply love theology.
2. I am an academic. And that's okay.
As strange as it sounds, making peace with these pieces of who I am has freed me to enjoy school now. For the first time, I have found myself talking about what I am learning in a variety of setting, and actually speaking up in class. I am engaging the material more freely and I am having fun.   Who would have thought? ;)

More later.

On Sabbath

It’s Monday, and if I can be honest for a moment, it has been a messy Monday. I’ve been unfocused for most of the morning, drifting aimlessly from one project to the next, completely unable to dive back in after I’ve answered a call. Lunch was a hurried affair in which I picked up Chinese food carryout and ate at my desk while attempting, again, to finish a project. I am tired, out of sorts, unfocused, and lacking in hope. My life is out of balance, and right now, I feel the effects of that.

 

In Exodus 20:8-11 we see God’s intention for balance in our lives with the command of a Sabbath. It says, “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.”

Not only was it a balance issue, but it was a trust issue. Those who did not work in ancient times did not eat. So they had to prepare in advance for this time of rest by working hard on the other six days and by preparing food to eat on that day.

If you recall Isaiah 58 (seriously, a theme for me lately), the Lord calls out the Israelites for fasting and expecting the Lord to show up, but not keeping his commandments, though He does not immediately specify what those commands are. But at the end of the passage, He says this,

13 “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath

and from doing as you please on my holy day,

if you call the Sabbath a delight

and the LORD’s holy day honorable,

and if you honor it by not going your own way

and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

14 then you will find your joy in the LORD,

and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land

and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”

For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”

Among the commandments the people are breaking is God’s command for a Sabbath. The people were expecting God to show up, but not maintaining a relationship with Him by trusting in Him to provide for them.

It sounds uncomfortably familiar to me. I haven’t had a full day off with no work, school, or church commitment in a month. Before you let me off the hook you should know that I have been choosing to do homework on Saturdays. That would be the problem. I have taken control of my schedule, in essence saying to the Lord, “I’ve got this. It doesn’t matter that YOU are the One who created time. I can take care of all the details of my schedule, all the little tasks, on my own. So leave me alone.”

 

Not only has it created a sense of imbalance in my life, but it’s come between me and the Lord, and I am starting to feel the distance. Things that haven’t tempted me in awhile are all coming up all over the place. I’m selfish and all too easily overwhelmed. Check engine lights are going off all over the place indicating that something is wrong in my life.

I know how to get this right- repentance. But the prayer needs to be accompanied by a change in behavior. I need Him to enable me to trust Him with my time. And then I need to honoring the Lord with a day of rest.

Amazing news :)

So...in my last blog update, I mentioned that I would be graduating in May 2012. Although it was certainly not intentional, I was actually telling a small fib. In the course of registering for my Fall 2011 courses, I discovered that I only needed 6 credits (2 classes) to graduate, which means I will be graduating in December 2011! WHOHOO! After 6 years, a few hundred papers, and more cups of coffee than I could possibly count, I see the finish line!

To all those of you who prayed, encouraged, hugged, and otherwise helped me maintain my sanity for the last six years: THANK YOU! I love you. Thanks for being a part of my journey through grad school.

On Liturgy and Lent

I miss the liturgy. There’s an irony in that statement, because if you know my history, you know that other than a brief stint when I served with IVCF at Loyola, I’ve never regularly attended Mass. I grew up and now serve in the Nazarene church (an evangelical holiness denomination for those unaware)…but sometimes I feel like I missing something.

I LOVE my church. Hear me on that, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hear me on that. But I miss the liturgy, and the way that engages so many of my senses. I love the way I am required to actively participate by kneeling, reciting, and responding. The introvert in me hates the passing of the peace (I totally slip in right before service and sit in the last two rows hoping to be completely unnoticed), but I love the recitation “Peace be with you” that accompanies it. There are candles burning and stained glass and I am hearing and reciting prayers that people have prayed for thousands of years and that will be prayed by people across the globe that very day. I join the rhythm of worship with others.

For those unfamiliar with the church calendar, today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of the Lenten season. Lent is a time of remembrance and preparation for the celebration of Easter. And engaging it has changed my life and renewed my faith. So this morning, at 7:30am, before class, before the start of my workday, I went down to the Episcopal Church for their first Ash Wednesday service of the day. The Scripture reading was, great irony of ironies, Isaiah 58:1-12.

I came out of the church with ashes smudged on my forehead, a profound reminder that I join the tradition of others, and a deep sense that I want to worship God this Lenten season. I want to know Him. And I want to get rid of the stuff that keeps me from doing that and replace it with stuff that does.

Part of that process for me this year is fasting coffee. Coffee represents, and supports, a lifestyle which I need to walk away from. It enables a complete and total lack of balance which I can no longer sustain and be in right relationship with God. But, as I was reminded this morning in a conversation with K. (as I planted myself on a chair in her office, exhausted), it cannot just be about the fasting. I need to replace the unhealthy pattern of imbalance with a healthier pattern of self awareness and the drawing of boundaries. I cannot go Sabbathless indefinitely. Or continue to push through when I am sick (like I am right now). And eventually, I would like to stop double booking on a weekly basis.

I am no different from the Israelites addressed in Isaiah 58. But there is salvation, for the Lord declares, “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the LORD’s holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.” For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.” So I fast for Lent and I will fumblingly place boundaries where there are none. And I cling fast to His promise in Isaiah 58:13 – that the result will be joy.

The Final Word

In my Hermeneutics class, we are reminded frequently that we need to let the text, the Scriptures, speak to us. It is without question that we come to the Bible with our own ideas of what is being said. We allow our current situation, the sermon we heard three years ago on the Scripture, and our unacknowledged theology to guide our interpretation of the Word of God, often ignoring the very words on the page. (Where does it say that in the text?) Even more foolish, sometimes, we think the text speaks only to the historical situation of the Israelites or the Jews, not to us today.

I admit, I was guilty of this latter sin as I sat down to read Isaiah 58 last night. I read the text out loud to my roommate, “For day after day they seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways, as if they were a nation that does what is right and has not forsaken the commands of its God. They ask me for just decisions and seem eager for God to come near them. ‘Why have we fasted,’ they say, ‘and you have not seen it? Why have we humbled ourselves and you have not noticed?’” I spit out the words as if they were a nation that does what is right, casting my judgment on the foolish Israelites for screwing it up again.

But this morning, the text came back to me. It popped into my mind as I took a sip of my coffee this morning- one of the last cups that I will drink before Lent begins tomorrow. It crept in as I thought, “Why am I giving up coffee? What on earth was I thinking? I can barely make it through the day WITH coffee, how am I going to make it without it?” I thought I was something, giving up something that I view as sustaining me. And in that moment, the text spoke, and I heard the words of Isaiah 58, “‘Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please and exploit all your workers. Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. You cannot expect your voice to be heard on high. Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for people to humble themselves? Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed and for lying in sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord?’”

Okay, so maybe I don’t exploit workers or beat anyone up. But am I coming to the Lord with any less pride, any less bravado than the Israelites? Of course my fasting is holy and with pure motive. Of course I can ask the Lord to come near…or not.

Lent isn’t about me. Fasting isn’t about me either. It’s about who God is. Lent is a season of preparation and remembrance. If my giving up coffee doesn’t remind me of the sacrifice of Jesus, if it doesn’t cause me to worship, if it gives me ground to demand that a Holy God come than I have no business participating. If I come with that attitude how am I any different than the Israelites were at the time of Isaiah’s proclamation?

The remainder of Isaiah 58 is a powerful, powerful text that I’ve heard quoted often.

6 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice

and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free

and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry

and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe them,

and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you,

and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;

you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,

with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness,

and your night will become like the noonday.

11 The LORD will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins

and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,

Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
13 “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath

and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight

and the LORD’s holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way

and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

14 then you will find your joy in the LORD,

and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land

and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”

For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

God declares the amazing things that He wants to do and to see, but He wants the Israelites to participate. He lays out an agenda more far reaching than any dream they may have had. But they have to change.

Why, WHY do I think I know better than the God of the universe what’s best? Today the text had the final word. Oh Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

A Good Day

Today was a good day. It seems like such a strange thing to announce... but if you're not familiar with my life recently, let me fill you in: I haven't had many good days recently. So the appearance of one deserves more than a nod in its direction, but more a celebratory recognition.

I don't know that I would be able to say that there was one thing that made it particularly good. It was more a collection of the days events, and the fact that so many of them caused me to smile. :)

The day started with blueberry pancakes for breakfast with a friend, followed directly by a quick trip to Whole Foods before church. (As a side note: I am not allowed in that place unsupervised. I could easily spend a small fortune and walk out with nothing that I can create a meal from.) Worship this morning was wonderful, and after church, I enjoyed rehearsal for a sketch I am participating in in a few weeks. There were a couple of really great moments where ideas were moving back and forth and you could just see it coming together. I love when that happens!

My afternoon was spent cooking as per the usual Sunday routine. I can't say my dish for the week (a play on lasagna without noodles) turned out phenomenally well, but its not bad, and I won't mind eating it. As always, cooking was relaxing...and today I was in a sillier mood than normal.

The evening was spent reading George MacDonald out loud, and enjoying his unique turn of phrase immensely. His lengthy descriptions made me laugh out loud a few times, although I stumbled awkwardly in the reading. There seems to be little rhythm to his writing, and his word order isn't always the most intuitive to me.

Underneath the events of the day was a recognition, that, in spite of the all the difficulties of late, there is evidence of change in my life. I may struggle to recognize my own worth, but today I did. I may not always have balance in my life, but today it was evident. The battles, which seem endless and hard fought have finally yielded some ground, which gives me courage to continue moving forward.

Today was a good day. And that gives me hope for tomorrow.

Long Overdue Update

Really, I'm starting to earnestly believe that I am one of those people who shouldn't have a blog as I can't ever remember to write on it. Forgive me!

Just a few words about what's been happening lately...

School

I know some of you are starting to wonder if seminary will ever end for me. Don't worry, I've wondered that a bit myself. I have a graduation date: May 2012. Praise the Lord!

In the meantime: this semester is among the most intense I've ever experianced. I'm taking hermeneutics and Classic Christian Christianity. Hermeneutics is sufficiently intellectually challenging, and has a ton of reading and one paper due a week to boot. Classic Christian Spirituality is challenging me spiritually. It's crosslisted as a theology and spiritual formation course (totally perfect for a lover of theology like myself), and I have to say, its wrecking me, but in a good way.

B/c of CCS, I had to read an original Christian spirituality text. I choose Thomas Merton's autobiography The Seven Storey Mountain. AMAZING! Not only is his narrative style incredibly engaging, he would tie in reflections and things about God and life that spoke to me where I was. I have been quoting Merton like a fool for a solid two months now and I feel badly for the friend who has borne the brunt of it. But he seems applicable in so many situations. Anyway, I could go on for hours about Merton. My summery is...read the book. Or buy me a drink and unleash me to go on about it indefinitely. :) (Can I safely assume everyone reading this knows that that would be a non-alcoholic beverage? Preferably seltzer with lime, unless there is a reasonable tea selection.)

Work

Is busy. Incredibly, unbelievably busy. Which means some of my workaholic tendencies are creeping back in and my life has started to spin out of control a bit. The problem is not so much my job (my supervisors certainly don't encourage my lack of balance, quite to the contrary actually), but me. And well, I am working on that.

Ministry

Things have been quiet in this category recently. At the beginning of February I turned in my paperwork to the district to renew my license (thanks to a snow day... I was quite behind on it this year), and I will go for my interviews out on Long Island next Saturday morning. Lord willing, I will again be licensed.

There are a few things on the horizon in this area...but its not quite time to share them. Just trust me that they are good and exciting things. :)

Life in General

I have been in a season of healing recently. While this sounds positive and upbeat, and I know that healing is, in fact, positive, this process has been among the hardest I have ever experienced. Some of it has been unpacking parts of my past. Alot of it has involved uprooting the lies that were killing my soul. Again, while I acknowledge that the process is ultimately for my good, it has sucked. There were moments when I didn't think I could continue, and really didn't want to.

In this process I was again reminded of the incredible support system in my life. I defintely ran a few times to avoid people and to avoid pain, but never ran far before someone ran after me. Friends and mentors hold me accountable, which sounds painful, but is actually a pretty rare gift.

Things seem to be on the upward swing at the moment. I am not confident in it...but I'll take it for what it is. What I know for certain is this...I am becoming a different person as I face the hard parts of my life, choose forgiveness, and encounter God in those areas, allowing God to reshape me. There are moments when that is incredibly exciting. And there are moments when the tension between who I was and who I am becoming is unbearable. Ultimately, I want to become who God intends me to be, so I am willing to stay the course.

I realize some of what I just said is incredibly vague, and I apologize for that. I am not trying to hold back info... but I am deeply aware that this is a public forum and as much as I want to update all of you, I don't feel that all of humanity needs access to my deep personal stuff. If you want to know more, I would love to talk. Give me a call, and we'll set up a date, okay?

On a totally different note, I've been cooking more. :) My friend J. and I started cooking for the week on Sunday afternoons sometime this past fall, and its been one of the more relaxing times of the week for me. AND it means I am cooking regularly, which is a happy thing. Interestingly, I've noticed a tendency towards a meat free lifestyle emerging for me. I enjoy a good burger too much to go meat free totally, but most of the time, neither J. nor I make dishes with meat in them. On my part, it could have something to do with the fact that I have some totally amazing vegetarian cookbooks. :)

I am happy that cooking is back in my life as a regular thing. Not only has it meant weight loss, better eating habits, and more money in the budget. Its also meant a happier Rachel. I love art... and cooking is my art form. There is something incredible about bringing textures and flavors together to make something that tastes good. And chopping and sauteeing is just relaxing for me. Particularly when the music is on and I know that I have nothing else pressing on the agenda for the day.