Real life.

I wonder what parts of my life I have missed completely by not being fully present. I know, strange thought, but for me, accurate. Being introverted and someone with a high need for security, I have lived alot in my own head, processing the world and planning for the next moment, or more often, for the next disaster. The problem with that, as good as it might sound, is that I am never fully in a moment.

Think about it: if you are always planning what you are going to say next, you are not fully listening to the person speaking. If you are always gauging your response by other peoples emotions, you are never fully embracing your own. If you are always moving on to what's next, you never pause to recognize what you've accomplished or what it means in your life or the lives of others. If you never stop to acknowledge the hurt and deal with the pain, you never heal. I am guilty of all of the above.

But I'm changing. It's not always pretty, but I feel more. I listen more. I spend a little less time in my head, and a little more time in real life.

Parts of my real life hurt like crazy. I have a chronic illness, asthma, which has gone from moderately annoying to regularly life-threatening. It causes me physical pain, exhaustion, stress, and interupts my life at what tends to be the worst possible moments. Its also incredibly expensive and time intensive to deal with.

I live in a transient community. Working for and living close to a college is amazing, but it means that I have to say goodbye ALOT. I don't want to hole myself off and stop interacting with people, but it hurts to constantly be saying goodbye to people that matter to me.

But parts of my real life are also amazing and give me great joy. I love theology and art, and at times, mixing the two, and I've started to embrace that in my life. It gives me an incredible chance to connect with my friends in a different way as they see what I am passionate about and we exchange ideas, and it gives me to chance to see what they are passionate about.

I am surrounded by people who care about me, and people who choose to be a part of my life even though it is clear I don't have it altogether. They are there when life completely sucks, and they celebrate with me when its really really good. Sometimes, they see who I am and what God is doing in my life when I don't, and they hold me up when its clear I cannot stand on my own. Thier presence in my life brings me alot of joy.

I want to experiance ALL of my life. The parts that hurt and the parts that make me jump up and down with joy. I want to be present in a moment, good or bad. It means choices. Occasionally, I'll make bad ones. But ultimately, I choose real life.