It's finished...now what's next?

On December 16, 2011 I attended my final grad school class. Hurray! Of course, once people hear that I am finished, the logical question seems to be, "What's next?" 

What's next is....

- Registering my car in the state of New York and changing over my drivers license to become an official resident. 

- Remaining on at Nyack College full time, as I have been for the last five years. 

- Remaining on as an Assistant Pastor at Westchester Chapel Church of the Nazarene. 

- Reading for fun and to learn...but having the privilege of creating my own book list. 

- Being present in my life and with the people in it. I have spent alot of time having the barrier of school preventing time with others, but school is no more. It can't be a distraction or a deterant from being present in the moments good and bad. 

- Continuing to heal physically. It's time for me to focus on my health, making sure I am on a path of healing. 

Things you learn during a power outage

The ever crucial O&R outage map

This past weekend brought a few surprises...including an early snow storm (I've seriously never seen any snow before Halloween, let alone 4-6 inches) and an unexpected power outage. On Saturday afternoon, as I was getting ready to settle in the den to watch a movie and contemplating when the best time to build a fire might be, my roommates and I watched a large branch from  the tree in our front yard crash onto the power lines, effectively demolishing our power, as well as the power for the entire block. 

Power has yet to be restored, but life must continue- I still have work and school each day. So...here's what I've learned so far:

• Scented candles are lovely. But when you light 10 different smells at once because you are trying to see in the dark, it makes the house smell like some strange cross between a flower shop and bakery and causes asthma attacks. Giant packs of unscented votives and white candles in jars are brilliant during a power outage, and are cheaper to boot.
• Candle lit dinners with an intelligent and interesting man while we eat gourmet food- romantic. Candle lit homework, dishes, showers, cleaning, and cooking? Not romantic.
• Be grateful for the little things. Like hot water, a fireplace, and a working stovetop. Or an office that is well lit and warm. Or friends who let you crash at their place for awhile and hangout. Or a job. Or the promise the electric will be restored and the momentary inconveniences will fade away. When I focus on those things, I realize that a. they are not little things and b. that what I am dealing with right now is just not important. 
• Simpler is better. If I can cook a decent meal in one pan with four ingredients, maybe that's a better plan. Streamlining my schedule and dividing up work efficiently is easier than stopping and starting. 
•  Resources are limited. That does not mean God cannot provide. But it means I need to do a better job of respecting and utilizing what He has given me. It means I will waste less, save more, and be a better steward. 
• It's okay for me to be in the situation and not be thrilled with it, but I still need to have enough of a sense of humor to realize eventually, this will be funny. It's not okay that I wake up coughing because its so cold in my house, and that I had to wait to use my nebulizer until I got to a place that had electricity. But it's funny to watch my housemate roast quiche leftovers in foil on an open fire. Or to wash dishes by candlelight. Or to drink melted rocky road ice cream. Those moments make me laugh, and will be fun to remember later on, when the tree falling is just a memory and I am not lighting candles to get ready for work in the morning. 

Ways I never expected technology to enter my life

I've never been really obsessed with technology. I had a blackberry when I interned because it seemed like a necessity. When it started to take over my life (and kill my bank account), I ditched it for my then roommate's old flip phone. Growing up, we didn't have a computer until I was a sophomore in high school. I would type my papers in the computer lab at school or at my neighbor's house. I have DVR for the first time in my adult life (and cable...and tv in multiple rooms) because its part of our cable/ internet package. I haven't used the DVR feature yet except to program Modern Family for one of my roommates, and she had to shout step by step instructions from the kitchen. 

But technology is a part of my life. I have a blog. And twitter. And a cellphone that I picked out just because it would make it easier to send text messages. Even with that said, it still surprises me the way technology intersects with my life. 

So here is my list of unexpected ways technology has entered my life:

• I email my doctors. The first time I received an email from one of my physicians, it kind of weirded me out. But now I use email to communicate with my primary care doctor, and my allergist (who manages my asthma). Its effective, its quick, and this past week, it actually kept me healthy because it enabled me to communicate faster. 
• My office communicates by text message. When I am going to be late, or call out sick, I send a text message to my boss and the members of my department.
• I can order my dinner online. I eat out much less these days (mainly because I am still figuring out how to order and eat out with dietary limitations), but in the past I have definitely ordered and paid for pizza online. It still kind of weirds me out. 
• My cellphone is my new wallet. Want to see the latest pictures of my godson and goddaughter, or my nephew? They are in my cellphone. Don't get me wrong, I still have a few school shots tucked into my wallet, but I usually pull out my cellphone when I want to show off my family. 
• I don't always have face to face conversations with my roommates when we are in the house. I still shake my head at this one, but I've definitely initiated communication this way, so I can't judge. It just makes me laugh when I receive a text message from someone upstairs. And last night, it WAS the easiest way to announce that the washer was free. (Go ahead...I know some of you are judging me.)
• My community is global. I have friends that I regularly communicate with that live all over the country, and in other parts of the world. That still seems crazy to me.

Technology changes things in strange, unexpected, and really cool ways. But I still like face to face conversations, ordering a pizza in person, and hanging photographs of my loved ones on my wall. 

Randomness organized in threes

Three Books I am currently reading: 

1. The Inner Circle by Brad Metzler - This is my fun read...which pretty much means I read about two pages each night before falling asleep. 

 2. Listening to God: Spiritual Formation in Congregations by John Ackerman- This one's for school. A surprisingly good read for pastors and laymen. (Clearly, I was not expecting to like this book). 

3. Mark: Texts @ Contexts- Again, for school. A collection of articles based on the Gospel of Mark. Interesting, academically challenging, and intellectually challenging. Am I okay with my God box being busted with some of these? 

Three Things I am thankful for: 

1. Pumpkin spice things. Especially pumpkin spice coffee things. But baked goods also rank. 

2. Late night conversations in the kitchen. They happen often, frequently in conjunction with a need to clean up the kitchen after dinner...or because we decide that its important to make bananas foster at 11:30 at night. 

3. God's crazy pursuit of me...even when I am resistant. 

Three Random thoughts that have crossed my mind in the last three hours: 

1. "How is it only 11:00am?"

2. "Those kids swear more than any adult I know" (referring to the middle schoolers who are on the playground right outside my window at work). 

3. "What am I going to do about eating today?" 

Top Three Most Played Songs Recently:

1. "Words" by Train

2. "Taking Chances" by Celine Dion

3. "Marry Me" by Train

Three Things I am looking forward to:

1. Sleeping in on Saturday

2. Going to Maryland for Thanksgiving

3. Finishing my Master's Degree

Three Words/Phrases that have creeped into my vocabulary recently: 

1. Fail.

2. Trippy.

3. So what does that mean? (Me to God. Often.)

Real life.

I wonder what parts of my life I have missed completely by not being fully present. I know, strange thought, but for me, accurate. Being introverted and someone with a high need for security, I have lived alot in my own head, processing the world and planning for the next moment, or more often, for the next disaster. The problem with that, as good as it might sound, is that I am never fully in a moment.

Think about it: if you are always planning what you are going to say next, you are not fully listening to the person speaking. If you are always gauging your response by other peoples emotions, you are never fully embracing your own. If you are always moving on to what's next, you never pause to recognize what you've accomplished or what it means in your life or the lives of others. If you never stop to acknowledge the hurt and deal with the pain, you never heal. I am guilty of all of the above.

But I'm changing. It's not always pretty, but I feel more. I listen more. I spend a little less time in my head, and a little more time in real life.

Parts of my real life hurt like crazy. I have a chronic illness, asthma, which has gone from moderately annoying to regularly life-threatening. It causes me physical pain, exhaustion, stress, and interupts my life at what tends to be the worst possible moments. Its also incredibly expensive and time intensive to deal with.

I live in a transient community. Working for and living close to a college is amazing, but it means that I have to say goodbye ALOT. I don't want to hole myself off and stop interacting with people, but it hurts to constantly be saying goodbye to people that matter to me.

But parts of my real life are also amazing and give me great joy. I love theology and art, and at times, mixing the two, and I've started to embrace that in my life. It gives me an incredible chance to connect with my friends in a different way as they see what I am passionate about and we exchange ideas, and it gives me to chance to see what they are passionate about.

I am surrounded by people who care about me, and people who choose to be a part of my life even though it is clear I don't have it altogether. They are there when life completely sucks, and they celebrate with me when its really really good. Sometimes, they see who I am and what God is doing in my life when I don't, and they hold me up when its clear I cannot stand on my own. Thier presence in my life brings me alot of joy.

I want to experiance ALL of my life. The parts that hurt and the parts that make me jump up and down with joy. I want to be present in a moment, good or bad. It means choices. Occasionally, I'll make bad ones. But ultimately, I choose real life.

It started with a question...

...and is culminating in a blog post. So, yesterday, I was posed the question, "What does your support system look like?" Honestly, for about 100 reasons, I have no clue what I answered. But the question has stayed on my mind, and here's what I've come up with:

-It's bigger than I expected. My support system- friends, family, and people who practically are family- is actually pretty big. When I moved, I had a ton of help at every turn.

-My support system is generous. Not just financially, but with thier time, talents, and affection. In two years, I have been in the emergency room and doctors office more times than I can count- and when it really matters, I always have someone with me. I have also had my refrigerator and freezer filled, my car serviced, my laundry washed, and my house cleaned by the people who care about me.

-They ask good questions and give wise counsel. "Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice." Proverbs 27:9. Although not every conversation feels great, I have friends that are honest, prayerful, and wise. They confront me when necessary, and they show me more grace than I deserve. Indeed, I receive much heartfelt advice.

The results of this in my life? Well...

-I don't ever wonder if I will go without. I can ask if I need something. And much to my shock, I actually do.

-It's helping me heal. I'm safe. I may not always feel it in a particular moment, but I have people who love me and care for me and cheer for me and yell at me. Because of that, I am much more willing to risk vulnerability.

-I am learning about God's love.

getting over my perfection complex

I moved last week. I promise to put up a picture or two of the amazing house I now live in, but for now, I am going to share a few realizations I have come to in the transition process.

This whole moving thing really poked my perfection complex in a good, though somewhat painful way. As someone who is constantly assuming I can do everything for myself, I was stunned to be in a position where I really desperately needed other people to make things work. Though my breathing is tons better, I still have little to no stamina. So carrying all my boxes, heavy lifting, and a ton of cleaning were totally out. But I still needed all those things to happen.

Enter all the amazing people in my life. Seriously. I have never, ever felt more loved than I felt last Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. It was incredible, really.

But here's a little secret. And, I guess, what makes me feel even more loved. I wasn't finished packing. Seriously, not even close. Nor did I have any plan for getting all the stuff I had (how on earth did ALL that stuff fit in my tiny little apartment?!) from point A to point B. I was so far from organized it wasn't funny. And you know what people said to me? "Its okay, we'll help."

My organized, in control, take charge facade had crumbed beneath the weight of the task and the emotions overwhelming me. No one walked away in disgust or became angry with me. Every box got packed, every item moved, and every critical decision was made. At one point, I put a friend in charge of assigning jobs to people so it was a few less decisions I had to make. It was the first time in my life I had ever really delegated...and the world did not end!

I am still working on unpacking (I've decided the unpacking is worse than the moving). And this weekend I am having my friend J's family over for dinner. I seriously thought about pushing everything aside and working non-stop on unpacking so my house would be in order on Sunday when they came. But then I had an aha moment and realized how stupid that sounded. And how stressful it would be to try and accomplish.

I am going to unpack some over the next couple of days. I will attempt to at least organize the unpacking chaos, but there will be unpacked boxes in my house on Sunday...probably quite a few. And I've decided that's okay. I think my guests are coming to hang out and have dinner...not admire my ability to be superwoman and unpack my ridiculous number of possessions in a week. ;)

In the words of a song I listened to alot as a teenager (and just now have come to believe):
"But I'm not perfect, not put together/And sometimes I'm lonely, But it's only real life/Here I stand cast your stones, If you mock me/I know that it's only,that you're scared of real life." Church of Rhythm

I'm going to be me. Its going to be messy. And that's okay.