Ways I never expected technology to enter my life

I've never been really obsessed with technology. I had a blackberry when I interned because it seemed like a necessity. When it started to take over my life (and kill my bank account), I ditched it for my then roommate's old flip phone. Growing up, we didn't have a computer until I was a sophomore in high school. I would type my papers in the computer lab at school or at my neighbor's house. I have DVR for the first time in my adult life (and cable...and tv in multiple rooms) because its part of our cable/ internet package. I haven't used the DVR feature yet except to program Modern Family for one of my roommates, and she had to shout step by step instructions from the kitchen. 

But technology is a part of my life. I have a blog. And twitter. And a cellphone that I picked out just because it would make it easier to send text messages. Even with that said, it still surprises me the way technology intersects with my life. 

So here is my list of unexpected ways technology has entered my life:

• I email my doctors. The first time I received an email from one of my physicians, it kind of weirded me out. But now I use email to communicate with my primary care doctor, and my allergist (who manages my asthma). Its effective, its quick, and this past week, it actually kept me healthy because it enabled me to communicate faster. 
• My office communicates by text message. When I am going to be late, or call out sick, I send a text message to my boss and the members of my department.
• I can order my dinner online. I eat out much less these days (mainly because I am still figuring out how to order and eat out with dietary limitations), but in the past I have definitely ordered and paid for pizza online. It still kind of weirds me out. 
• My cellphone is my new wallet. Want to see the latest pictures of my godson and goddaughter, or my nephew? They are in my cellphone. Don't get me wrong, I still have a few school shots tucked into my wallet, but I usually pull out my cellphone when I want to show off my family. 
• I don't always have face to face conversations with my roommates when we are in the house. I still shake my head at this one, but I've definitely initiated communication this way, so I can't judge. It just makes me laugh when I receive a text message from someone upstairs. And last night, it WAS the easiest way to announce that the washer was free. (Go ahead...I know some of you are judging me.)
• My community is global. I have friends that I regularly communicate with that live all over the country, and in other parts of the world. That still seems crazy to me.

Technology changes things in strange, unexpected, and really cool ways. But I still like face to face conversations, ordering a pizza in person, and hanging photographs of my loved ones on my wall. 

Randomness organized in threes

Three Books I am currently reading: 

1. The Inner Circle by Brad Metzler - This is my fun read...which pretty much means I read about two pages each night before falling asleep. 

 2. Listening to God: Spiritual Formation in Congregations by John Ackerman- This one's for school. A surprisingly good read for pastors and laymen. (Clearly, I was not expecting to like this book). 

3. Mark: Texts @ Contexts- Again, for school. A collection of articles based on the Gospel of Mark. Interesting, academically challenging, and intellectually challenging. Am I okay with my God box being busted with some of these? 

Three Things I am thankful for: 

1. Pumpkin spice things. Especially pumpkin spice coffee things. But baked goods also rank. 

2. Late night conversations in the kitchen. They happen often, frequently in conjunction with a need to clean up the kitchen after dinner...or because we decide that its important to make bananas foster at 11:30 at night. 

3. God's crazy pursuit of me...even when I am resistant. 

Three Random thoughts that have crossed my mind in the last three hours: 

1. "How is it only 11:00am?"

2. "Those kids swear more than any adult I know" (referring to the middle schoolers who are on the playground right outside my window at work). 

3. "What am I going to do about eating today?" 

Top Three Most Played Songs Recently:

1. "Words" by Train

2. "Taking Chances" by Celine Dion

3. "Marry Me" by Train

Three Things I am looking forward to:

1. Sleeping in on Saturday

2. Going to Maryland for Thanksgiving

3. Finishing my Master's Degree

Three Words/Phrases that have creeped into my vocabulary recently: 

1. Fail.

2. Trippy.

3. So what does that mean? (Me to God. Often.)

Real life.

I wonder what parts of my life I have missed completely by not being fully present. I know, strange thought, but for me, accurate. Being introverted and someone with a high need for security, I have lived alot in my own head, processing the world and planning for the next moment, or more often, for the next disaster. The problem with that, as good as it might sound, is that I am never fully in a moment.

Think about it: if you are always planning what you are going to say next, you are not fully listening to the person speaking. If you are always gauging your response by other peoples emotions, you are never fully embracing your own. If you are always moving on to what's next, you never pause to recognize what you've accomplished or what it means in your life or the lives of others. If you never stop to acknowledge the hurt and deal with the pain, you never heal. I am guilty of all of the above.

But I'm changing. It's not always pretty, but I feel more. I listen more. I spend a little less time in my head, and a little more time in real life.

Parts of my real life hurt like crazy. I have a chronic illness, asthma, which has gone from moderately annoying to regularly life-threatening. It causes me physical pain, exhaustion, stress, and interupts my life at what tends to be the worst possible moments. Its also incredibly expensive and time intensive to deal with.

I live in a transient community. Working for and living close to a college is amazing, but it means that I have to say goodbye ALOT. I don't want to hole myself off and stop interacting with people, but it hurts to constantly be saying goodbye to people that matter to me.

But parts of my real life are also amazing and give me great joy. I love theology and art, and at times, mixing the two, and I've started to embrace that in my life. It gives me an incredible chance to connect with my friends in a different way as they see what I am passionate about and we exchange ideas, and it gives me to chance to see what they are passionate about.

I am surrounded by people who care about me, and people who choose to be a part of my life even though it is clear I don't have it altogether. They are there when life completely sucks, and they celebrate with me when its really really good. Sometimes, they see who I am and what God is doing in my life when I don't, and they hold me up when its clear I cannot stand on my own. Thier presence in my life brings me alot of joy.

I want to experiance ALL of my life. The parts that hurt and the parts that make me jump up and down with joy. I want to be present in a moment, good or bad. It means choices. Occasionally, I'll make bad ones. But ultimately, I choose real life.

It started with a question...

...and is culminating in a blog post. So, yesterday, I was posed the question, "What does your support system look like?" Honestly, for about 100 reasons, I have no clue what I answered. But the question has stayed on my mind, and here's what I've come up with:

-It's bigger than I expected. My support system- friends, family, and people who practically are family- is actually pretty big. When I moved, I had a ton of help at every turn.

-My support system is generous. Not just financially, but with thier time, talents, and affection. In two years, I have been in the emergency room and doctors office more times than I can count- and when it really matters, I always have someone with me. I have also had my refrigerator and freezer filled, my car serviced, my laundry washed, and my house cleaned by the people who care about me.

-They ask good questions and give wise counsel. "Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice." Proverbs 27:9. Although not every conversation feels great, I have friends that are honest, prayerful, and wise. They confront me when necessary, and they show me more grace than I deserve. Indeed, I receive much heartfelt advice.

The results of this in my life? Well...

-I don't ever wonder if I will go without. I can ask if I need something. And much to my shock, I actually do.

-It's helping me heal. I'm safe. I may not always feel it in a particular moment, but I have people who love me and care for me and cheer for me and yell at me. Because of that, I am much more willing to risk vulnerability.

-I am learning about God's love.

getting over my perfection complex

I moved last week. I promise to put up a picture or two of the amazing house I now live in, but for now, I am going to share a few realizations I have come to in the transition process.

This whole moving thing really poked my perfection complex in a good, though somewhat painful way. As someone who is constantly assuming I can do everything for myself, I was stunned to be in a position where I really desperately needed other people to make things work. Though my breathing is tons better, I still have little to no stamina. So carrying all my boxes, heavy lifting, and a ton of cleaning were totally out. But I still needed all those things to happen.

Enter all the amazing people in my life. Seriously. I have never, ever felt more loved than I felt last Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. It was incredible, really.

But here's a little secret. And, I guess, what makes me feel even more loved. I wasn't finished packing. Seriously, not even close. Nor did I have any plan for getting all the stuff I had (how on earth did ALL that stuff fit in my tiny little apartment?!) from point A to point B. I was so far from organized it wasn't funny. And you know what people said to me? "Its okay, we'll help."

My organized, in control, take charge facade had crumbed beneath the weight of the task and the emotions overwhelming me. No one walked away in disgust or became angry with me. Every box got packed, every item moved, and every critical decision was made. At one point, I put a friend in charge of assigning jobs to people so it was a few less decisions I had to make. It was the first time in my life I had ever really delegated...and the world did not end!

I am still working on unpacking (I've decided the unpacking is worse than the moving). And this weekend I am having my friend J's family over for dinner. I seriously thought about pushing everything aside and working non-stop on unpacking so my house would be in order on Sunday when they came. But then I had an aha moment and realized how stupid that sounded. And how stressful it would be to try and accomplish.

I am going to unpack some over the next couple of days. I will attempt to at least organize the unpacking chaos, but there will be unpacked boxes in my house on Sunday...probably quite a few. And I've decided that's okay. I think my guests are coming to hang out and have dinner...not admire my ability to be superwoman and unpack my ridiculous number of possessions in a week. ;)

In the words of a song I listened to alot as a teenager (and just now have come to believe):
"But I'm not perfect, not put together/And sometimes I'm lonely, But it's only real life/Here I stand cast your stones, If you mock me/I know that it's only,that you're scared of real life." Church of Rhythm

I'm going to be me. Its going to be messy. And that's okay.

April, May, June updates.

This could get really long really fast, so I am going to hit the highs and lows.

The Highs

• Finishing my final spring semester in seminary.
• Winnning free tickets to meet Train and see them at a private concert. (Did I care that I had something like 20 pages of papers due that week? NO! I got to meet Train and be front row at the concert.)



Me and Train

•  Slowing life down long enough to receive love.
• A Saturday afternoon in Tarrytown exploring Sunnyside capped by lunch at Silver Tips and movies in the evening with J & L.
• Finding a new (and much larger, and cheaper) place to live.
• Learning and absorbing new truths about myself and God at the speed of sound (or so it feels).
• Seeing God provide over and over and over.

The Lows

• Getting incredibly, life threateningly ill...and finding out it will take me until at least the end of August to recover fully.
• Having to pack to move. (I hate that process.)
• Weekly doctor's appointments.
• Large amounts of change all at one time.

Its been a crazy period of time. And slowly, I'll have to catch you all up. But that will happen at a later date.

Tonight, I move. I'm excited and exhausted by the thought. I'll see about getting some picks of the chaos and posting them.

My list

I am incredibly overdue for an update. I am sorry. There has been alot happening since April, and really, keeping family and close friends in the loop has felt impossible at times, let alone blogging. So... I will try to get an update up in the next two weeks.

In the meantime... I have been going through a period of ridculous growth and change personally/spiritually/emotionally. Admittedly, sometimes its a two steps forward, three massive steps back kind of process, but that doesn't mean there isn't progress. Amidst this myraid of change, I realized that I need to remind myself of a few things. So in my journal one evening, I wrote a list of 15 things I needed to remember every single day.

Please note as you read my list, that, well, its not YOUR list. These are not things I am reminding you of, they are for me. They are not meant to be adopted by the general public. But it may be helpful to create your own list. What things do you need to be reminded of as you live life daily to be a healthier, more whole person? Where is God at work? What do friends tell you all the time...enough you should probably start reminding yourself and take the pressure off them? Start there and make you own list.

Without further adieu...my list:

1. You have permission to say no.

2. There will always be more things on my to do list than you have energy for. Prioritize, do what you can, and be prepared to get very little done sometimes.

3. You will fail. Get over it.

4. It's okay to walk away for a minute.

5. Use  your words. People can't read my mind and its not kind to always make them depend on your body language and facial expressions.

6. You become a jerk when you're tired. Get enough sleep, or make sure you can leave a situation before you become a jerk.

7. If you need something, ask. The worst they can say is no. (And they are allowed to use that word too.)

8. Eat every couple of hours. You think clearer...and this also helps keep you from becoming a jerk.

9. People you trust will hurt you. It doesn't mean they don't love you and it doesn't mean they aren't worth it.

10. If you think you need medicine (ibprophen, asthma meds, cold medicine), take it. You probably needed it three hours ago.

11. People don't like someone who is perfect, they like someone who is flawed like they are. Messed up is okay and you don't have to work so hard to hide it.

12. It's not always about you.

13. You can't change you. Only God can change you, and only if you let Him.

14. One thing at a time. Seriously, you are not superwoman.

15. People love you. You don't have to prove you are worth loving.