Long Overdue Update

Really, I'm starting to earnestly believe that I am one of those people who shouldn't have a blog as I can't ever remember to write on it. Forgive me!

Just a few words about what's been happening lately...

School

I know some of you are starting to wonder if seminary will ever end for me. Don't worry, I've wondered that a bit myself. I have a graduation date: May 2012. Praise the Lord!

In the meantime: this semester is among the most intense I've ever experianced. I'm taking hermeneutics and Classic Christian Christianity. Hermeneutics is sufficiently intellectually challenging, and has a ton of reading and one paper due a week to boot. Classic Christian Spirituality is challenging me spiritually. It's crosslisted as a theology and spiritual formation course (totally perfect for a lover of theology like myself), and I have to say, its wrecking me, but in a good way.

B/c of CCS, I had to read an original Christian spirituality text. I choose Thomas Merton's autobiography The Seven Storey Mountain. AMAZING! Not only is his narrative style incredibly engaging, he would tie in reflections and things about God and life that spoke to me where I was. I have been quoting Merton like a fool for a solid two months now and I feel badly for the friend who has borne the brunt of it. But he seems applicable in so many situations. Anyway, I could go on for hours about Merton. My summery is...read the book. Or buy me a drink and unleash me to go on about it indefinitely. :) (Can I safely assume everyone reading this knows that that would be a non-alcoholic beverage? Preferably seltzer with lime, unless there is a reasonable tea selection.)

Work

Is busy. Incredibly, unbelievably busy. Which means some of my workaholic tendencies are creeping back in and my life has started to spin out of control a bit. The problem is not so much my job (my supervisors certainly don't encourage my lack of balance, quite to the contrary actually), but me. And well, I am working on that.

Ministry

Things have been quiet in this category recently. At the beginning of February I turned in my paperwork to the district to renew my license (thanks to a snow day... I was quite behind on it this year), and I will go for my interviews out on Long Island next Saturday morning. Lord willing, I will again be licensed.

There are a few things on the horizon in this area...but its not quite time to share them. Just trust me that they are good and exciting things. :)

Life in General

I have been in a season of healing recently. While this sounds positive and upbeat, and I know that healing is, in fact, positive, this process has been among the hardest I have ever experienced. Some of it has been unpacking parts of my past. Alot of it has involved uprooting the lies that were killing my soul. Again, while I acknowledge that the process is ultimately for my good, it has sucked. There were moments when I didn't think I could continue, and really didn't want to.

In this process I was again reminded of the incredible support system in my life. I defintely ran a few times to avoid people and to avoid pain, but never ran far before someone ran after me. Friends and mentors hold me accountable, which sounds painful, but is actually a pretty rare gift.

Things seem to be on the upward swing at the moment. I am not confident in it...but I'll take it for what it is. What I know for certain is this...I am becoming a different person as I face the hard parts of my life, choose forgiveness, and encounter God in those areas, allowing God to reshape me. There are moments when that is incredibly exciting. And there are moments when the tension between who I was and who I am becoming is unbearable. Ultimately, I want to become who God intends me to be, so I am willing to stay the course.

I realize some of what I just said is incredibly vague, and I apologize for that. I am not trying to hold back info... but I am deeply aware that this is a public forum and as much as I want to update all of you, I don't feel that all of humanity needs access to my deep personal stuff. If you want to know more, I would love to talk. Give me a call, and we'll set up a date, okay?

On a totally different note, I've been cooking more. :) My friend J. and I started cooking for the week on Sunday afternoons sometime this past fall, and its been one of the more relaxing times of the week for me. AND it means I am cooking regularly, which is a happy thing. Interestingly, I've noticed a tendency towards a meat free lifestyle emerging for me. I enjoy a good burger too much to go meat free totally, but most of the time, neither J. nor I make dishes with meat in them. On my part, it could have something to do with the fact that I have some totally amazing vegetarian cookbooks. :)

I am happy that cooking is back in my life as a regular thing. Not only has it meant weight loss, better eating habits, and more money in the budget. Its also meant a happier Rachel. I love art... and cooking is my art form. There is something incredible about bringing textures and flavors together to make something that tastes good. And chopping and sauteeing is just relaxing for me. Particularly when the music is on and I know that I have nothing else pressing on the agenda for the day.

Things in Three's

This would be yet another post in which I hijack an idea from facebook. Some of the questions are the ones that have gone around there... some I just made up.

Three Names I answer to:
1. Rachel
2. Rae
3. Rach

The Three Most Interesting Jobs I have had in my Life (and why I list them):
1. Student Worker in Alumni Relations: I got to work various events, including reunion weekend, which involved amazing food, free t-shirts, and the opportunity to drive golf carts. Just for the record, I will always think any opportunity to drive golf carts is amazing. I also did a lot of filing and mailings.
2. Administrative Assistant: It was my first professional, degree required job. I learned more about business, people, and Roman Catholicism in that year and a half than I ever thought possible. I remember my former boss, the people I work with, and the residents with great fondness- it was a growing year for me professionally, but a good year indeed.
3. Grocery Store Cashier: Yes, this made the cut. Why you ask? Because you can learn a lot about people by interacting with them at the grocery store. Especially at the holidays. And this is where I realized I had a knack for details. Like knowing which regular customers smoked what brand of cigarettes.

Three places I have lived:
1. Westminster, MD
2. Baltimore, MD
3. Nyack, NY

Three Favorite drinks
1. Coffee
2. Any type of tea, hot or iced.
3. Coffee. (Really, I would have listed it three times, but I felt I need to acknowledge I do like other beverages.)

Three books I am currently reading:
1. Jesus in Beijing by David Aikman – written by an investigative journalist on the evolution and impact of the house church movement in China.
2. The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game by Michael Lewis- biography about Ravens Offensive tackle Michael Oher.
3. How to Cook Everything Vegetarian by Mark Bitman- one of the most brilliant cookbooks I have ever read with some phenomenal recipes.
*No, these are not for school (although I discovered Jesus in Beijing from the footnotes of a textbook). And yes, I am reading a cookbook. I’m cool with the nerdiness of that. :)

Three of my favorite things to cook:
1. Quiche. I have my quiche recipe memorized because it’s easy, and I almost always have the ingredients on hand.
2. Pancakes. Whether I am cheating on the batter or making them homemade, they are just fun to make.
3. Roasted root vegetable. Salt, pepper, olive oil, and whole cloves of garlic with chopped root veggies = amazingness.

Three things I'm looking forward to:
1. Seeing Chris Botti in concert this Friday.
2. Seeing my brother at Christmas and meeting his girlfriend Lauren when she comes to town for a few days after Christmas.
3. Graduating from Seminary in May 2012.

Three things I would love to do (and why):
1. Road trip across the United States with a friend. I want to go to other countries, but I feel like I need to know my own a bit better first.
2. Take some classes for fun. Like a pastry class at a culinary school, or a digital photography course. It’d be nice to have hobbies again. J
3. Restore an old house. Yes, I’d need to work with some contractors, but I would love to pick the flooring and put it in. Or sand down the beautiful old banister to see what’s beneath the ugly brown paint. It’d be amazing to live in a home that my blood, sweat, and tears (and I would guarantee the tears) went into.

Three Movies I can watch over and over again:
1. While You Were Sleeping
2. The Italian Job
3. The Fugitive

Top Three Most Played Songs on My Ipod:
1. Defying Gravity
2. Take a Bow
3. Taking Chances

Three Random Thoughts (that have crossed my mind in the last 3 hours):
1. “Why does one of the most amazing chocolate bars have to come with cheesy love poems?”
2. “Will I have time to clean out my car before I travel… or am I just throwing everything in storage in the morning like I usually do?”
3. “Does that say Groove Street? Really, someone named a street Groove Street? Awesome. Nope. It says Grove Street. Lame.”

And, in a hat tip to Thanksgiving this week…

Three Things I am Thankful For:
1. The ways in which the Lord has preserved me and kept me. His grace to me is so evident as look back over parts of my life and see that I am still here.
2. Family (which includes the friends who are family).
3. Chocolate Milk. (Yes, you read that right.)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope

There are moments that challenge us. For me, right now it’s dealing with personal issues on several fronts, working, going to school, and having to process the news that one of my favorite professors, Dr. Paul Siu, passed away suddenly over the weekend. Learning of Dr. Siu’s passing seemed like the final blow.

For those of you outside of the Alliance Theological Seminary community reading this, let me introduce you to Dr. Siu for a moment. He was the seminary’s resident theologian, but far from being a stuffy academic, he was one of the most loving, caring people I have ever met. A deep love of Jesus radiated in and through his life. It spilled out in the classroom as he would weep when talking about atonement, as he would boldly proclaim the message of salvation again and again, as he would pray for members of the class and weep with those who were hurting, as he would stop people in the hall just to see how they were doing.

I met Dr. Siu five years ago in August of 2005. He was my advisor, and in addition to the usual academic questions, I also remember a friendly barrage of pastoral questions as we met that afternoon. Eventually, I switched programs, and advisors, but Dr. Siu continued to follow my progress. My office used to be housed the seminary building, and I’ll never forget one afternoon when he stopped in to see me. He wanted to check on me, and he made it a point to remind me that day how proud he was of me- that I was still in seminary, and that I was doing so well. Dr. Siu was one of favorite cheerleaders and he is one of the ones who helped convince me to stay in seminary when I was ready to pack it in and head back to Maryland after having done so poorly my first year. Just last week I had decided to ask for his assistance in preparing for my doctorate after seminary. I am planning on studying theology, and I was excited to talk through my plans with him.

I don’t understand why things are as they are. Why so many situations in my life have gone haywire all at once in ways that devastate me. Why a beloved professor passed from this life to the next so very suddenly. But the Lord, in His gentleness and His kindness whispered this in my ear this morning, and so I share it with you, “But now, this is what the Lord says- he who created you, Jacob; he who formed you, Israel: ‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:1-2

I am the Lord’s, and in Him, and Him alone does my hope rest. I will not understand some of the things that occur in this life, but I have to believe in a God who is bigger and greater and in control. He’s all I have. This God who has called me by name, this salvation that He brings, this love He fills us with. When I have nothing, I still have hope in the God of the Universe. Dr. Paul Siu’s God whom he loved so passionately and served so humbly. And so I, like the Israelites before me who heard the proclamation of Isaiah will not fear. Instead I will hope.

Project Take Back My Life

Over the past few years, its been a running joke- the more of a mess my room is, the more of a mess I am. Eventually, I realized how true it was, as did my friends. When my room is total disaster, more than likely, I am not doing well mentally or emotionally either.

So... for two years now my room, the kitchen, and all closet space has been a complete and total disaster. Sure, I've had moments when my laundry was folded and put away and the floor was vaccumed. Yes, occasionally the sink has been completely emptied and all the dishes put away, and the floor swept and mopped. But the organizational part of my life- the place where chaos ceased to exist and every item in my home had a place...well...its hasn't been like that for quite some time.

In some ways, the rest of my life has been like that too. My asthma has been not quite under control for five years. I have no pattern of rest and relaxation in place. I've developed awful spending habits. I haven't been maintaining myself, my budget, or my home for nearly three years. While it hasn't broken me yet, I am nearly certain if I continue in this way, emergency maintenance only, eventually life will careen out of control and it will.

But how do you try to get a handle on all of it? How do you undo years of disorganization and disorder?

Well... one day, one project, one lesson at a time.

There have been pockets of progress all summer long- a day at the beach, a trip to the ortho to have my ankles looked at and regular physical therapy appointments, an appointment to the allergist to work through some of my more serious asthma/allergy issues, intentionally leaving evenings or entire days free for reading or relaxing.

But the major projects had not begun. And the apartment...well...that remained in its perpetual state of chaos. Until today. Today, my roommate and I began to take back the kitchen.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with my living space, I live in an efficiency apartment- two bedrooms (one is mine, one is my roommates), a small kitchen, and a bathroom. Not much in the way of space. Because we are on an end unit, however, we have about 3 or 4 feet more sq. feet in the kitchen then other apartments- just enough to put in a kitchen table if the space is organized correctly. Ours was not.

It seems like a small thing, a silly thing even: an organized pantry, neat cabinets, and a kitchen table...but it represents something more. Aside from making it easier to cook and offering a place to eat (something remarkably helpful) it also is an intentional act of improving my life.

There is more that needs to be done in the kitchen, and even more that needs to be done in my room. But today was a step. And I'm happy with that. :)

Getting to know Jesus...again...

When's the last time you started a relationship? Sure a dating relationship, but even just a friendship? When you get to know someone, there are a thousand moments of discovery. What the person likes to eat, what they like to read, what makes them light up and talk non-stop for 20 minutes gesturing wildly. You discover what you have in common (what do you mean your great Aunt Sylvia made you an ugly Reindeer sweater every year for Christmas? Mine did too!) and what values you share (I'm a vegetarian too!). Eventually, some relationships move deeper. You see each other in moments of laughter and deep sorrow. Trust is built. Roadtrips happen.

Even when you know a person fairly well, you can't know every aspect of who they are or what thier experiances have been. So even as a relationships deepen, there are still moments of discovery. Like when you find out what silly costume they had to wear in the third grade play. Or that they played the clarinet in marching band all four years of high school (seriously, I know an inordinate number of people who were in marching band in high school). For me, for the most part, those moments are discovery are alot of fun, even when I've known the person for years. Its like getting to know someone all over again.

I want to get to know Jesus like that. For some reason, somewhere along the way, I became bold enough, or rather foolish enough, to think that because I have access to the Bible and I've read it a few times, there is nothing new to learn about Jesus. That's like saying I know Queen Noor of Jordan because I've read her autobiography. For the record, I've never met Queen Noor, so how could I possibly know her?

I am going back to Scriptures. The book of Luke, actually. But I want to go there with Jesus. I want to learn something new about who He is. But I want Him to show me. I want to experiance that moment of discovery learning something new about Him. I am hoping for a few more conversations as well that don't involve me doing all the talking. Listening is always a handy way to learn something. I want to get to know Jesus. Again.

Alone

"Language...has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone." Paul Tillich

I came across this quote quite by accident but it fits my mood today. Most days, I crave alone time because I desire solitude. I love silence, and having a chance to turn things over in my mind. More than that, I actually need time alone. I've burned out for a lack of solitude on one too many occasions.

Today is different though. Today, the sweetness of solitude has been replaced by a deep and unsettling sense of loneliness. Today, I am deeply aware that I will spend my evening in an empty apartment, cooking dinner for only myself. That all the decisions I face about everything- my health, school, work, family, I face on my own. Today I fear what I face tomorrow. Today my aloneness feels overwhelming.

Older and Wiser: What does that look like?

Recently, a magazine I occasionally peruse featured an article called, “9 Things to Know before You Turn 30” (does this give away their target demographic or what?). As I am still a part of the under 30 crowd, I thought it might be worth a read. Now that I’ve read it I don’t know that it was, in fact, worth it. Quite honestly, if this is the kind of advice my generation needs to grow more mature, well, let’s just say the future holds little hope.

Clearly, I was irritated and even slightly offended by the article, but it did make me think. What does older and wiser look like? Like it or not (and some days, I really don’t like it) I am on the part of the trail marked “Adulthood”. Aside from holding down a job, paying my bills on time, and finding the occasional gray hair, what does that mean?

So far, it’s meant that I am acquiring the life experience to match the wealth of knowledge I’ve gained from too much higher education. I can’t say that that has made me any wiser, but has taught me quite a bit about myself and about other people. I’ve also found that it means I am making all the decisions about everything- from where I live to what doctor I see to what I eat, and while that may sound amazing to someone who doesn’t currently make those decisions for themselves, I assure you, it frequently scares the life out of me.

So to those who are older and wiser… what do I really need to know before I turn 30? What exactly does older AND wiser look like?