Project Take Back My Life

Over the past few years, its been a running joke- the more of a mess my room is, the more of a mess I am. Eventually, I realized how true it was, as did my friends. When my room is total disaster, more than likely, I am not doing well mentally or emotionally either.

So... for two years now my room, the kitchen, and all closet space has been a complete and total disaster. Sure, I've had moments when my laundry was folded and put away and the floor was vaccumed. Yes, occasionally the sink has been completely emptied and all the dishes put away, and the floor swept and mopped. But the organizational part of my life- the place where chaos ceased to exist and every item in my home had a place...well...its hasn't been like that for quite some time.

In some ways, the rest of my life has been like that too. My asthma has been not quite under control for five years. I have no pattern of rest and relaxation in place. I've developed awful spending habits. I haven't been maintaining myself, my budget, or my home for nearly three years. While it hasn't broken me yet, I am nearly certain if I continue in this way, emergency maintenance only, eventually life will careen out of control and it will.

But how do you try to get a handle on all of it? How do you undo years of disorganization and disorder?

Well... one day, one project, one lesson at a time.

There have been pockets of progress all summer long- a day at the beach, a trip to the ortho to have my ankles looked at and regular physical therapy appointments, an appointment to the allergist to work through some of my more serious asthma/allergy issues, intentionally leaving evenings or entire days free for reading or relaxing.

But the major projects had not begun. And the apartment...well...that remained in its perpetual state of chaos. Until today. Today, my roommate and I began to take back the kitchen.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with my living space, I live in an efficiency apartment- two bedrooms (one is mine, one is my roommates), a small kitchen, and a bathroom. Not much in the way of space. Because we are on an end unit, however, we have about 3 or 4 feet more sq. feet in the kitchen then other apartments- just enough to put in a kitchen table if the space is organized correctly. Ours was not.

It seems like a small thing, a silly thing even: an organized pantry, neat cabinets, and a kitchen table...but it represents something more. Aside from making it easier to cook and offering a place to eat (something remarkably helpful) it also is an intentional act of improving my life.

There is more that needs to be done in the kitchen, and even more that needs to be done in my room. But today was a step. And I'm happy with that. :)

Getting to know Jesus...again...

When's the last time you started a relationship? Sure a dating relationship, but even just a friendship? When you get to know someone, there are a thousand moments of discovery. What the person likes to eat, what they like to read, what makes them light up and talk non-stop for 20 minutes gesturing wildly. You discover what you have in common (what do you mean your great Aunt Sylvia made you an ugly Reindeer sweater every year for Christmas? Mine did too!) and what values you share (I'm a vegetarian too!). Eventually, some relationships move deeper. You see each other in moments of laughter and deep sorrow. Trust is built. Roadtrips happen.

Even when you know a person fairly well, you can't know every aspect of who they are or what thier experiances have been. So even as a relationships deepen, there are still moments of discovery. Like when you find out what silly costume they had to wear in the third grade play. Or that they played the clarinet in marching band all four years of high school (seriously, I know an inordinate number of people who were in marching band in high school). For me, for the most part, those moments are discovery are alot of fun, even when I've known the person for years. Its like getting to know someone all over again.

I want to get to know Jesus like that. For some reason, somewhere along the way, I became bold enough, or rather foolish enough, to think that because I have access to the Bible and I've read it a few times, there is nothing new to learn about Jesus. That's like saying I know Queen Noor of Jordan because I've read her autobiography. For the record, I've never met Queen Noor, so how could I possibly know her?

I am going back to Scriptures. The book of Luke, actually. But I want to go there with Jesus. I want to learn something new about who He is. But I want Him to show me. I want to experiance that moment of discovery learning something new about Him. I am hoping for a few more conversations as well that don't involve me doing all the talking. Listening is always a handy way to learn something. I want to get to know Jesus. Again.

Alone

"Language...has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone." Paul Tillich

I came across this quote quite by accident but it fits my mood today. Most days, I crave alone time because I desire solitude. I love silence, and having a chance to turn things over in my mind. More than that, I actually need time alone. I've burned out for a lack of solitude on one too many occasions.

Today is different though. Today, the sweetness of solitude has been replaced by a deep and unsettling sense of loneliness. Today, I am deeply aware that I will spend my evening in an empty apartment, cooking dinner for only myself. That all the decisions I face about everything- my health, school, work, family, I face on my own. Today I fear what I face tomorrow. Today my aloneness feels overwhelming.

Older and Wiser: What does that look like?

Recently, a magazine I occasionally peruse featured an article called, “9 Things to Know before You Turn 30” (does this give away their target demographic or what?). As I am still a part of the under 30 crowd, I thought it might be worth a read. Now that I’ve read it I don’t know that it was, in fact, worth it. Quite honestly, if this is the kind of advice my generation needs to grow more mature, well, let’s just say the future holds little hope.

Clearly, I was irritated and even slightly offended by the article, but it did make me think. What does older and wiser look like? Like it or not (and some days, I really don’t like it) I am on the part of the trail marked “Adulthood”. Aside from holding down a job, paying my bills on time, and finding the occasional gray hair, what does that mean?

So far, it’s meant that I am acquiring the life experience to match the wealth of knowledge I’ve gained from too much higher education. I can’t say that that has made me any wiser, but has taught me quite a bit about myself and about other people. I’ve also found that it means I am making all the decisions about everything- from where I live to what doctor I see to what I eat, and while that may sound amazing to someone who doesn’t currently make those decisions for themselves, I assure you, it frequently scares the life out of me.

So to those who are older and wiser… what do I really need to know before I turn 30? What exactly does older AND wiser look like?