My list

I am incredibly overdue for an update. I am sorry. There has been alot happening since April, and really, keeping family and close friends in the loop has felt impossible at times, let alone blogging. So... I will try to get an update up in the next two weeks.

In the meantime... I have been going through a period of ridculous growth and change personally/spiritually/emotionally. Admittedly, sometimes its a two steps forward, three massive steps back kind of process, but that doesn't mean there isn't progress. Amidst this myraid of change, I realized that I need to remind myself of a few things. So in my journal one evening, I wrote a list of 15 things I needed to remember every single day.

Please note as you read my list, that, well, its not YOUR list. These are not things I am reminding you of, they are for me. They are not meant to be adopted by the general public. But it may be helpful to create your own list. What things do you need to be reminded of as you live life daily to be a healthier, more whole person? Where is God at work? What do friends tell you all the time...enough you should probably start reminding yourself and take the pressure off them? Start there and make you own list.

Without further adieu...my list:

1. You have permission to say no.

2. There will always be more things on my to do list than you have energy for. Prioritize, do what you can, and be prepared to get very little done sometimes.

3. You will fail. Get over it.

4. It's okay to walk away for a minute.

5. Use  your words. People can't read my mind and its not kind to always make them depend on your body language and facial expressions.

6. You become a jerk when you're tired. Get enough sleep, or make sure you can leave a situation before you become a jerk.

7. If you need something, ask. The worst they can say is no. (And they are allowed to use that word too.)

8. Eat every couple of hours. You think clearer...and this also helps keep you from becoming a jerk.

9. People you trust will hurt you. It doesn't mean they don't love you and it doesn't mean they aren't worth it.

10. If you think you need medicine (ibprophen, asthma meds, cold medicine), take it. You probably needed it three hours ago.

11. People don't like someone who is perfect, they like someone who is flawed like they are. Messed up is okay and you don't have to work so hard to hide it.

12. It's not always about you.

13. You can't change you. Only God can change you, and only if you let Him.

14. One thing at a time. Seriously, you are not superwoman.

15. People love you. You don't have to prove you are worth loving.

Out like a lamb?

It's incredibly hard to believe its the last day of March. To me this means:
-4 weeks left to the semester
-A few days of increased busyness at the office
-The beginning of spring (although they seem to be calling for snow tonight...)
-Some incredibly busy weeks ahead

Although this has been a challenging semester with a fairly high workload, its been my most enjoyable to date. After 6 years of seminary, I have come to terms with the fact that:
1. I deeply love theology.
2. I am an academic. And that's okay.
As strange as it sounds, making peace with these pieces of who I am has freed me to enjoy school now. For the first time, I have found myself talking about what I am learning in a variety of setting, and actually speaking up in class. I am engaging the material more freely and I am having fun.   Who would have thought? ;)

More later.

On Sabbath

It’s Monday, and if I can be honest for a moment, it has been a messy Monday. I’ve been unfocused for most of the morning, drifting aimlessly from one project to the next, completely unable to dive back in after I’ve answered a call. Lunch was a hurried affair in which I picked up Chinese food carryout and ate at my desk while attempting, again, to finish a project. I am tired, out of sorts, unfocused, and lacking in hope. My life is out of balance, and right now, I feel the effects of that.

 

In Exodus 20:8-11 we see God’s intention for balance in our lives with the command of a Sabbath. It says, “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.”

Not only was it a balance issue, but it was a trust issue. Those who did not work in ancient times did not eat. So they had to prepare in advance for this time of rest by working hard on the other six days and by preparing food to eat on that day.

If you recall Isaiah 58 (seriously, a theme for me lately), the Lord calls out the Israelites for fasting and expecting the Lord to show up, but not keeping his commandments, though He does not immediately specify what those commands are. But at the end of the passage, He says this,

13 “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath

and from doing as you please on my holy day,

if you call the Sabbath a delight

and the LORD’s holy day honorable,

and if you honor it by not going your own way

and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

14 then you will find your joy in the LORD,

and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land

and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”

For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”

Among the commandments the people are breaking is God’s command for a Sabbath. The people were expecting God to show up, but not maintaining a relationship with Him by trusting in Him to provide for them.

It sounds uncomfortably familiar to me. I haven’t had a full day off with no work, school, or church commitment in a month. Before you let me off the hook you should know that I have been choosing to do homework on Saturdays. That would be the problem. I have taken control of my schedule, in essence saying to the Lord, “I’ve got this. It doesn’t matter that YOU are the One who created time. I can take care of all the details of my schedule, all the little tasks, on my own. So leave me alone.”

 

Not only has it created a sense of imbalance in my life, but it’s come between me and the Lord, and I am starting to feel the distance. Things that haven’t tempted me in awhile are all coming up all over the place. I’m selfish and all too easily overwhelmed. Check engine lights are going off all over the place indicating that something is wrong in my life.

I know how to get this right- repentance. But the prayer needs to be accompanied by a change in behavior. I need Him to enable me to trust Him with my time. And then I need to honoring the Lord with a day of rest.

Amazing news :)

So...in my last blog update, I mentioned that I would be graduating in May 2012. Although it was certainly not intentional, I was actually telling a small fib. In the course of registering for my Fall 2011 courses, I discovered that I only needed 6 credits (2 classes) to graduate, which means I will be graduating in December 2011! WHOHOO! After 6 years, a few hundred papers, and more cups of coffee than I could possibly count, I see the finish line!

To all those of you who prayed, encouraged, hugged, and otherwise helped me maintain my sanity for the last six years: THANK YOU! I love you. Thanks for being a part of my journey through grad school.

On Liturgy and Lent

I miss the liturgy. There’s an irony in that statement, because if you know my history, you know that other than a brief stint when I served with IVCF at Loyola, I’ve never regularly attended Mass. I grew up and now serve in the Nazarene church (an evangelical holiness denomination for those unaware)…but sometimes I feel like I missing something.

I LOVE my church. Hear me on that, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hear me on that. But I miss the liturgy, and the way that engages so many of my senses. I love the way I am required to actively participate by kneeling, reciting, and responding. The introvert in me hates the passing of the peace (I totally slip in right before service and sit in the last two rows hoping to be completely unnoticed), but I love the recitation “Peace be with you” that accompanies it. There are candles burning and stained glass and I am hearing and reciting prayers that people have prayed for thousands of years and that will be prayed by people across the globe that very day. I join the rhythm of worship with others.

For those unfamiliar with the church calendar, today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of the Lenten season. Lent is a time of remembrance and preparation for the celebration of Easter. And engaging it has changed my life and renewed my faith. So this morning, at 7:30am, before class, before the start of my workday, I went down to the Episcopal Church for their first Ash Wednesday service of the day. The Scripture reading was, great irony of ironies, Isaiah 58:1-12.

I came out of the church with ashes smudged on my forehead, a profound reminder that I join the tradition of others, and a deep sense that I want to worship God this Lenten season. I want to know Him. And I want to get rid of the stuff that keeps me from doing that and replace it with stuff that does.

Part of that process for me this year is fasting coffee. Coffee represents, and supports, a lifestyle which I need to walk away from. It enables a complete and total lack of balance which I can no longer sustain and be in right relationship with God. But, as I was reminded this morning in a conversation with K. (as I planted myself on a chair in her office, exhausted), it cannot just be about the fasting. I need to replace the unhealthy pattern of imbalance with a healthier pattern of self awareness and the drawing of boundaries. I cannot go Sabbathless indefinitely. Or continue to push through when I am sick (like I am right now). And eventually, I would like to stop double booking on a weekly basis.

I am no different from the Israelites addressed in Isaiah 58. But there is salvation, for the Lord declares, “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the LORD’s holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.” For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.” So I fast for Lent and I will fumblingly place boundaries where there are none. And I cling fast to His promise in Isaiah 58:13 – that the result will be joy.

The Final Word

In my Hermeneutics class, we are reminded frequently that we need to let the text, the Scriptures, speak to us. It is without question that we come to the Bible with our own ideas of what is being said. We allow our current situation, the sermon we heard three years ago on the Scripture, and our unacknowledged theology to guide our interpretation of the Word of God, often ignoring the very words on the page. (Where does it say that in the text?) Even more foolish, sometimes, we think the text speaks only to the historical situation of the Israelites or the Jews, not to us today.

I admit, I was guilty of this latter sin as I sat down to read Isaiah 58 last night. I read the text out loud to my roommate, “For day after day they seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways, as if they were a nation that does what is right and has not forsaken the commands of its God. They ask me for just decisions and seem eager for God to come near them. ‘Why have we fasted,’ they say, ‘and you have not seen it? Why have we humbled ourselves and you have not noticed?’” I spit out the words as if they were a nation that does what is right, casting my judgment on the foolish Israelites for screwing it up again.

But this morning, the text came back to me. It popped into my mind as I took a sip of my coffee this morning- one of the last cups that I will drink before Lent begins tomorrow. It crept in as I thought, “Why am I giving up coffee? What on earth was I thinking? I can barely make it through the day WITH coffee, how am I going to make it without it?” I thought I was something, giving up something that I view as sustaining me. And in that moment, the text spoke, and I heard the words of Isaiah 58, “‘Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please and exploit all your workers. Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. You cannot expect your voice to be heard on high. Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for people to humble themselves? Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed and for lying in sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord?’”

Okay, so maybe I don’t exploit workers or beat anyone up. But am I coming to the Lord with any less pride, any less bravado than the Israelites? Of course my fasting is holy and with pure motive. Of course I can ask the Lord to come near…or not.

Lent isn’t about me. Fasting isn’t about me either. It’s about who God is. Lent is a season of preparation and remembrance. If my giving up coffee doesn’t remind me of the sacrifice of Jesus, if it doesn’t cause me to worship, if it gives me ground to demand that a Holy God come than I have no business participating. If I come with that attitude how am I any different than the Israelites were at the time of Isaiah’s proclamation?

The remainder of Isaiah 58 is a powerful, powerful text that I’ve heard quoted often.

6 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice

and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free

and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry

and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe them,

and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you,

and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;

you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,

with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness,

and your night will become like the noonday.

11 The LORD will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins

and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,

Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
13 “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath

and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight

and the LORD’s holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way

and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

14 then you will find your joy in the LORD,

and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land

and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”

For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

God declares the amazing things that He wants to do and to see, but He wants the Israelites to participate. He lays out an agenda more far reaching than any dream they may have had. But they have to change.

Why, WHY do I think I know better than the God of the universe what’s best? Today the text had the final word. Oh Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

A Good Day

Today was a good day. It seems like such a strange thing to announce... but if you're not familiar with my life recently, let me fill you in: I haven't had many good days recently. So the appearance of one deserves more than a nod in its direction, but more a celebratory recognition.

I don't know that I would be able to say that there was one thing that made it particularly good. It was more a collection of the days events, and the fact that so many of them caused me to smile. :)

The day started with blueberry pancakes for breakfast with a friend, followed directly by a quick trip to Whole Foods before church. (As a side note: I am not allowed in that place unsupervised. I could easily spend a small fortune and walk out with nothing that I can create a meal from.) Worship this morning was wonderful, and after church, I enjoyed rehearsal for a sketch I am participating in in a few weeks. There were a couple of really great moments where ideas were moving back and forth and you could just see it coming together. I love when that happens!

My afternoon was spent cooking as per the usual Sunday routine. I can't say my dish for the week (a play on lasagna without noodles) turned out phenomenally well, but its not bad, and I won't mind eating it. As always, cooking was relaxing...and today I was in a sillier mood than normal.

The evening was spent reading George MacDonald out loud, and enjoying his unique turn of phrase immensely. His lengthy descriptions made me laugh out loud a few times, although I stumbled awkwardly in the reading. There seems to be little rhythm to his writing, and his word order isn't always the most intuitive to me.

Underneath the events of the day was a recognition, that, in spite of the all the difficulties of late, there is evidence of change in my life. I may struggle to recognize my own worth, but today I did. I may not always have balance in my life, but today it was evident. The battles, which seem endless and hard fought have finally yielded some ground, which gives me courage to continue moving forward.

Today was a good day. And that gives me hope for tomorrow.