Painting a different picture

Recently, I had the opportunity to travel and visit a friend abroad. It was an absolutely amazing trip, one I hope to post about in the near future, and in the moments of rest I had a number of realizations.

While I love traveling, one of the most difficult things for me is that period of adjustment at the beginning of the trip when I am surrounded by unfamiliar sights, sounds, smells, and languages. For the first twenty four hours in Haiti, I felt like I was in a daze, taking it all in and attempting to engage those around me. I have a tendency towards insecurity, and that, coupled with a vulnerability at being in unfamiliar surroundings made my defenses shoot up pretty fast. This wasn't a surprise to me, and I don't think it was a surprise to the friend I was visiting, but what did surprise me is the way I was talking about myself.

My friend J. scolded me a few times about the things I was saying about myself, but at first, her comments flew over me. Finally, one afternoon, even I heard myself. I was not just being negative about myself- some of my comments were downright mean.

I am aware that I have some incredibly negative views of myself- not good enough, not smart enough, doesn't try hard enough, not enough-to name a few. My self-portrait is dark, and angry, and doesn't look pretty. But I didn't realize how dark it was, how angry it was, until that afternoon. Working in customer service, I've been on the receiving end of some amount of verbal abuse and swearing, but believe me, no one has ever said things as cruel as the things I said to myself that day. Is that really who I think I am?

If you asked me, I would tell you that I believe words matter. I would agree with Proverbs 18:21 that the power of life and death is in the tongue. And yet, somehow, this has never applied to the words that I used towards myself. It hasn't limited the callousness of the words I aim only at myself.

So how does this change?

Honestly, what has to change is how I view myself. Somehow, there has to be a movement from how I see myself to how God sees me. And so I asked, how does God see me?

 "God spoke: 'Let us make human beings in our image, make them
        reflecting our nature
    So they can be responsible for the fish in the sea,
        the birds in the air, the cattle,
    And, yes, Earth itself,
        and every animal that moves on the face of Earth.”
    God created human beings;
        he created them godlike,
    Reflecting God’s nature.
        He created them male and female.
    God blessed them:
        “Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge!
    Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air,
        for every living thing that moves on the face of Earth.'” Genesis 1:26-28

Who am I? I am made in the image of an eternal God. I, like Adam and Eve, was intentionally created. And I am deeply loved.

 

I may not instantly adjust to this image of myself. But reading those words again today helped me to begin painting a different picture, and it is my prayer that they begin to take root in my mind and heart and change the things I say, especially about myself.