Relationship Status: Being single and being faithful

If I've had one common theme running through my mind, and through a surprising number of conversations with diverse groups of people recently, it is relationship status- specifically, being single. After I hit twenty-five, it would seem that my relationship status became a widely discussed item, particularly amongst distant family members, or any person that felt like they have an investment in my (future) children. Often the discussion is discouraging and the questions asked are demeaning. Even more important, I find a single relationship status over twenty five, or especially over thirty, has much broader implications on multiple aspects of life than a limited conversation over a holiday dinner ever acknowledges.

 

Christena Cleveland, in a recent blog post entitled, "Social Justice for Single People", eloquently discusses one of the most difficult aspects of being single, stating, "Despite the fact that I’m committed to self-care, one of the challenges I’ve faced as an unmarried person is how to deal with the daily hits of justice work without a spouse with whom I can daily process those hits. I wish there were someone who knew the intimate details of my life story, knew my past and present pain, encouraged my eschatological hope, and was present in my daily life as a support partner." While her particular focus is on having support while being someone daily involved in fighting for social justice, I have found that that sentiment is shared across the board. It is difficult to live as a Christ follower in any context, trying to live out the Gospel in our daily lives, trying to love our neighbor, dealing with a myriad of decisions daily alone. How do I deal with the "daily hits" of life without someone who is daily present to process them, to hug me, and to remind me of the eschatological hope and how it applies, particularly someone who knows the intimate details of my past and present situation?

 

I daily interact with people, but I find that I rarely interact with people who know me, who are familiar with the intimate details of my past and present story, who can help me process both the painful and joyful moments of my day. Few people know the nuances of tone or facial expression that are particular to me, or will know why I overreacted to something seemingly trivial when in fact I was triggered by a painful memory from my past.

 

In some ways, having this deficiency of individuals who know me so well is good for me. It forces me to "use my words" and to choose vulnerability with people in my community when I do have the opportunities to share a bit of my daily life. Being single some days pushes me to the Lord and to my community as I cry out to Him, and I count that as a joy. But that lack of intimacy, that deficiency still exists. I still miss that aspect of being known by another in the here and now.

 

I would be remiss in my discussion on singleness if I failed to mention physical intimacy. Fabienne Harford with The Gospel Coalition, in a recent post, "Sex and the Single Woman", brings to light the struggle of learning to live without physical intimacy as a single, Christ follower, committed to reserving sex for marriage. She says, "There is pain in watching my friends be fed one after another with the thing I hunger for the most. There is pain in facing each morning with the knowledge that today there will be no daily bread for this hunger. There is pain as I sit, feeling as though I am starving to death, and listen to my married friends try to explain that such eating is overrated." That pain, however, does go on to serve a purpose. It is redeemed in moments when, "...that pain has taught me how to hold my infertile friend and cry with her when Mother’s Day rolls around again. That pain has given weight to my words when I explain to a mom with three kids that Friday nights alone on your couch really aren’t as amazing as they sound. The pain of missing out on physical pleasure in this life holds out to us the gift of longing for the next life. Foregoing the earthly shadow by faith because we believe so much in the heavenly reality." Harford reaches for that eschatological hope of the Gospel, that reality that God is trustworthy, even as there is an unfulfilled hunger.

More than sex, as a single woman I miss just being touched. A simple hug or kiss on the cheek, a pat on the back, or a gentle touch on the arm. I can go entire days without receiving any kind of physical touch, and that lack of physical affection is difficult, particularly for one as high touch as I am.

 

Emotional and physical intimacy aside, there are other aspects of having a single status that no one acknowledges or discusses in or out of the Church. For example, in a society built on two income earning families, being a single working professional brings its challenges economically. I am one person trying to pay the bills each month and maintain a household. People often expect that because I do not have children or a spouse I have an abundance financially, instead of considering that it may be a struggle. Certainly the government considers me to be wealthy, offering little to no tax incentives to those without families.  My income does not buy me extravagant vacations,  fancy dinners, or a high rise. It meets my needs with few extras, and while it is a life I am content with, it seems ridiculous that I would have to challenge others preconceived notions on the economic benefits of being single. (In case your wondering, if there are economic benefits to being single, I have not discovered them.)

Another aspect of having a single relationship status rarely acknowledged is the sheer number of decisions that one will have to make alone. Does a single person make these decisions alone, or do they discuss them with others? Is there a mechanism in place to allow for discussion with others inside or outside of the Church?

My desire, even as I consider my status as a single adult woman, is to be faithful to the Lord, and to maintain my commitment to the Church. That status does not alone define me, but it is a part of my perspective. The conversations I've had recently with others and the articles I mentioned indicate that singleness is becoming a part of our dialogue in the Church. Our societal structure may not support it and the evangelical Church may not always reflect it, but those with a single status are a part of both. We need the dialogue to continue. I cannot offer concrete answers on some of things I've brought forward, but I want to continue the conversation that has recently begun.